TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
mentally somewhere in italy
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store