Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

For the ones in the back.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.