Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

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Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.


I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.


There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.


Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.


Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party


[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants



Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk


Me: [holds up bazooka]

Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting

[across the field]

Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]