Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever read
Me: [holds up bazooka]
Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting
[across the field]
Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]