@sixfootcandy

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

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@Jake_Vig

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

@carlyken

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@Courtniss_

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

@TEXASVETERAN

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

@PJTLynch

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk

@sonictyrant

Me: [holds up bazooka]

Friend: what’s wrong with you? we’re just duck hunting

[across the field]

Ducks: [setting up grenade launcher]