@DeanOkay: Trick people into thinking you're a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
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@QwertyJones3: Watch it bro, your mouth's writing checks your body can't cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
@Douchekevin: I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.
@Canadian_Cutie_: My voicemail greeting: Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don't get a notification.