Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

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All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.

Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.


My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor


I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not


I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary


doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise


Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?


People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.


[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*


You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.


Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.