@DeanOkay

Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

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@TheMichaelRock

All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.

Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.

@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

@3dnzo

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

@donni

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

@BraandoCommando

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@UncleDuke1969

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

@suzieQ0007

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

@AlisonChrista

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

@SondraDeeMe

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.