It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions