Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.