Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like


*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*


[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt


I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.


Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.


My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.


Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now