*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*
I love you too, babe!
Where’s my credit card? Son of a..
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Me: That’s from lord of
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.