Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.