Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.