Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Y’all ready for this
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to