Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”