Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
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BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.