@TheSepticHermit

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

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@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@pro_worrier_

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

@Miltgen

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@BraandoCommando

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

@juanadog

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

@ToskaXxx

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@notviking

here are my new year’s resolutions:

• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune