Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
You Might Also Like
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?