Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats