Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.