There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.