@n_brayshaw

tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON

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@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@SEvans_author

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

@izrigrod

Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”

@ranndrew

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

@vinfury

Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*

@HairyJew4Life

Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?

@70Ceeks

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

@mdob11

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

@Fab_Mommy_

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.