tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON

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Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.


When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was


Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”


I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.


Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*


Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?


son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”


Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday


“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.