Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.

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A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.


If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.


God: Howโ€™s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods


My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.


I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.


Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch


[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]


me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi ๐Ÿ˜‰

her: are those empty


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.


Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…