[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
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My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Stop sending me this shit.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜