A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.
Put her head right through the drywall.
Goddam cheap motels.
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…