Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
What number SPF blocks people?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.