Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
inside you are two wolves
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
How did we not see this back then?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.