Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend