Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
water it, i dare you