I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[stacks of books on floor]
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse