Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

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[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”



Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?


Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.


When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.


Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.


Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.


HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog


5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”