Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.


*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.


My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.


Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?


I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.


[stacks of books on floor]
Impressive, son.
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]


What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?


(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”


I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse