Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Saw your ex at the shops
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons