Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
become ungovernable
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Easy enough.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband