Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.