Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
🛁
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it