@Scimommy

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

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@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@andylevy

Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@prufrockluvsong

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

@lloydrang

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

@deeprocktees

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.