Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

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[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?



Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk


DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?


me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no


Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?


[before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault


People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away


TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation


My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.