Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories