tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.

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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.


I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.


“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”


HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor


break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out


Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.


Cop: Why were you speeding?
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.


disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great


Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?