They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Classic German Shepherd 😂
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂