@littlemy

tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.

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@ericONEderful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@CandyEmpires

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

@Mikecanrant

I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@AdamBroud

HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

@punished_picnic

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

@vladchoc

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?