You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
📽️movie date🎞️
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Mountain Goat : )
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
🤣😈🤣
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same