4: can we name the baby Yoko?
Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name
4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”
Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you