@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."

@blaha_Who: Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@jctwritesstuff: Him: It's been like 30 years, I think you should let it go. Me: It could still happen. Him: Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He's just jealous.

@TheToddWilliams: [forest precinct] DETECTIVE OWL: HOO BEAR: I dont know DET OWL: HOO BEAR: I DONT KNOW DET OWL: HOO BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

@momTruthBomb: When you tell me to "Go outside and play" you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right? - kids