Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..