Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.