Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake

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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman


Speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. I know that now.


I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.


*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth


I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..


I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.


Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron


Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows


I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug


Pro Tip

Jehovah’s Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry

Try it