it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
R.I.P.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
what’s more important?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you