tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.