Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You Might Also Like
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Kids: Stay in school.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.