Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!