*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Unimpressed
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.