*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?