@fillthevacuum

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@junejuly12

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

@shutupmikeginn

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.