*tries hard*


*tries flaccid*

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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.


Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.


All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.


[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*


I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.


Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*


What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?


{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.