*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.