Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*