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@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

@QwertyJones3

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

@cafchaosgrace

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

@SuadShamma

“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

@OllyiConic

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

@pilau

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

@Contwixt

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed