What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore