[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
do what now??
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.