Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.