*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.


My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.


*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.


I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.


Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice