Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.