@sixfootcandy

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

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@thegreatnanak

*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.

@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

@Chumpstring

[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@BackrowSeats

You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.

@NiceLittleWife

When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.

@AimeeHelene1

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.