How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West