*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

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How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.


archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this


Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds


Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…


ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]


Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying


[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!