Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”