@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

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@whisperedjoy

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

@sofarrsogud

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

@CrockettForReal

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

@beefman138

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

@Shen_the_Bird

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.

@1_swarthy_dude

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”