*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.


[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.


People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?


Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.


Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?


me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see


We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.


[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”