@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

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@galiamango

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

@ahamedweinberg

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

@badbanana

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@copymama

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

@Underchilde

Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

@ryaninco

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.