@DaddyJew
@galiamango
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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@galiamango
@ahamedweinberg
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
@BrownDogBlanket
Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking.
@badbanana
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
@drinksmcgee
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
@GrowlyGrego
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
@copymama
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
@Underchilde
Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?
Good times!
@AbbieEvansXO
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
@ryaninco
North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.