There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
all that yoga finally paid off
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.