I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
You Might Also Like
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.