*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Its true…
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.