*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
You Might Also Like
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I support this random dude and all his protests
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO