@hippieswordfish

*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media

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@MarfSalvador

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

@treydayway

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

@treydayway

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

@Jake_Vig

Torn this election season.

I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.

But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.

@PleaseBeGneiss

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

@tigersgoroooar

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@AndyAsAdjective

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.