@hippieswordfish

*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media

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@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

@YuckyTom

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

@Darlainky

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

@OakHill_

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

@EJGomez

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
“moo!”
good now a dog
“woof woof!”
2 for 2. now…WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE

@CDMEclairs

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

@djr_102

There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.

@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.