<Tries to plow the road>

Road: I have a boyfriend.

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I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.


I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.


My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.


Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.


7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.


*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon


date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]


Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something


they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead


If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.