@Sarcasmo718

<Tries to plow the road>

Road: I have a boyfriend.

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@knot_eye

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

@samalmightysam

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

@LurkAtHomeMom

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

@iamspacegirl

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@FirecrackerKatt

My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today

@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@boring_as_heck

The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.