@Sarcasmo718

<Tries to plow the road>

Road: I have a boyfriend.

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@coketruck76

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

@FilthyRichmond

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

@primawesome

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

@1BigMick

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

@Brampersandon_

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

@FredTaming

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

@dumbbeezie

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

@Bizarro_Mark

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.