Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon
Bumble: You have 0 messages today
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.